What if Jesus came back?

[Pierre Alexander]

I read somewhere on the web something about the establishment of God's kingdom on Earth. The author of the article quoted the Book of Revelation ("he seventh angel blew his trumpet and there were loud voices shouting in heaven. The whole world has now become the Kingdom of our Lord and of His Christ, and He will reign forever and ever") and assumed the times were bad for Jesus and co to come back here. Too much violence, too much bigotry, too many muslims...

But then I thought: let's assume Jesus decides to come back to see how we're doing, what would happen next? And I figured out he would have a tricky job on his hands.

First, I suppose he would reappear somewhere in the ancient Judah, where he used to preach in his prime. That means either in Israël or Palestine. In both cases, there's a chance he will receive the same warm welcoming the British Airborne experienced in Arnhem in September 1944 when the paratroopers of its Majesty landed on General Bittrich's 4th SS Panzer Division. The only point of uncertainty is whether the Jews will get him before the Muslims and how much money they will ask the US government to set him free.

Then, the guy will surely try to go back to his former business: preaching, healing and irritating people who have political power. The problem is that these three market segments are overcrowded and extra-competitive.

What concerns preaching, Jesus will have to start with an update. He founded a Church which doesn't exist anylonger. The initital start-up has experienced dismantlements, mergers and takeovers and he will have to choose a new preaching banner: will he go for Catholicism, Orthodoxism, Protestantism, Baptism, Evangelism, Mormonism? A real market study has to be run here. Will Jesus come back with a marketing expert?

Healing should be less of a winding road since humanity is presumably eager to get rid of AIDS, cancer, aging and other plagues. But what will the medical corporations say if a lunatic comes with a free treatment and makes their products obsolete? There are at least a million people in the western world whose house, car, home cinema and Hi-Fi equipment depends on HIV-related diseases in sub-saharan Africa. Will Jesus find them another job?

As for irritating people who own political power, Jesus will have to get familiar with modern communication. If he simply stands on his wood box to deliver his speeches, he will have trouble with the police or the Big Issue man who sells newspapers and hates people who shout louder than him.
So he'll have to go on TV, maybe in a talk-show. He will have to get used to make-up and commercial breaks, he will need another haircut and on top of that he will have to be ready to answer David Letterman's inquisitive questions, such as: "Have you ever imagined, Jesus, to have sex with Paris Hilton?" But will he be ready for that?

I'm sure people are in a hurry to see the Lord back in action. But they have to be patient, and they need to understand Jesus wouldn't be Jesus if he hadn't an answer to all these questions. The Holy Bible shows he's human like us. So give him a little time to think first.

[lofter1]

Where did he go?

And if he's all-seeing / all-knowing then why would he need to come back?

[ZippyTheChimp]

I could set up a circuit for Jesus.

The View

Sean Hannity

Jon Stewart

Meet the Press

David Letterman

Rachel Madow

[lofter1]

Not to mention David Frost's show ("Frost Over the World (http://english.aljazeera.net/programmes/frostovertheworld/)") on Al Jazeera

[Unless you're just preaching to the choir]

[Jasonik]

Hasn't he already returned?

http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/61Eu2jEveML._SL500_AA240_.jpg (http://www.amazon.com/Barack-Obama-Promise-Child-Hope/dp/1416971440/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1227743372&sr=1-3)

[ZippyTheChimp]

I thought Jesus already made an endorsement. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6CireF1r0g)

But that turned out to be a cult.

[Jasonik]

I hope the next Jesus will be more like the vengeful and capricious Old Testament God rather than that namby-pamby peace loving New Testament wimp. Any Jesus that opposes war and fails to demonize his enemies wouldn't get very far in this world. And the new Jesus has to side with money changers and Pharisaic bureaucracy because everyone knows God can only be known when men are controlled by the laws and regulations of other men.

We're really much more enlightened now. Jesus has a lot of catching up to do.

[BrooklynRider]

Jesus will come back when he realizes that he left his carpenter's belt on the kitchen table in his mother's house. A man's gotta work.

[Bronxbombers]

Jesus will come back when he realizes that he left his carpenter's belt on the kitchen table in his mother's house. A man's gotta work.I am wondering if Jesus will come back to earth.

[scumonkey]

Naaaa, just low orbit, there he can find a much better tool
belt recently left behind by an absent minded astronaut-
thus negating the need to actually come all the way down to the planet!

[NYatKNIGHT]

When Jesus comes back maybe I'll finally find all my lost sunglasses and gloves.

[lofter1]

Haven't you heard?

He's back (http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/c0cf508ff8/prop-8-the-musical-starring-jack-black-john-c-reilly-and-many-more-from-fod-team-jack-black-craig-robinson-john-c-reilly-and-rashida-jones) ... but seems he's put on a bit of weight :cool:

[OmegaNYC]

I think if Jesus came back, here is what might go down:

He might not understand most of the world's population because most people doesn't speak Arameic, Hebrew or Latin.

He will no doubt, be the topic of shows ranging from Larry King Live, to Saturday Night Live.

He might think to himself, "who the heck is that white guy, with the long, flowing hair".

Conservatives will say "I told you so!" Then nothing happens.... Pat Robinson is out of a job.

Republicans will go out their way to make him a USA citizen, thus putting a new meaning to "God bless, America".

His message of peace will conflict with some Republicans, causing a split in the party.

But most of all, he would want all of us to get along..

[Ninjahedge]

Black evangelicals would be aggravated that Jesus isn't black.
White evangelicals would be aggravated that Jesus isn't white.
Jews and Middle Easterners would be genuinely confused.

And nobody would want to play golf against the Son of God...... ;)

[Jasonik]

The new Jesus needs to be sarcastic. Cloying earnestness is soo BC.

[Ninjahedge]

What music would he listen to?

[stache]

http://www.tavaresbrothers.com/multimedia.html

[Jasonik]

http://www.alefbet.com/images/products/CH702-l.jpg (http://www.alefbet.com/necklaces.php?item=ch702)

He would be down with this crew (http://www.barmitzvahbboys.com/index5.html) fo' sho'.

[lofter1]

A Smart Ass Savior :cool:

That would shake things up.

[scumonkey]

When Jesus comes back....
Who will be surprised to find out that She is Black?!

[lofter1]

Jeez Louise!

[Ninjahedge]

When Jesus comes back....
Who will be surprised to find out that She is Black?!

I was thinking about that.

Seriously, do you think a female savior would cut it? I am not saying ability-wise. But do you think our society will take to a female religious leader?

Look at most of what we have now! Try and name, say, 3 females at the head of any religious institution.

It is still a male oligarchy (Did I even come close to spelling that right? Yes, Spellcheck only changed it a smidge. HONEST!!!!). There are few if any in any poition of authority in any of the major religions today.

That, in and of itself, does not say that the next savior can't be a woman. But what does it say about our global society if we are so unwilling to accept women as religious leaders that we have none to really speak of?

Will people, in our day and age, follow a woman in religious reformation and new revelance?

[stache]

Gosh, I was trying to keep it a secret... ;)

[Jasonik]

Seriously, do you think a female savior would cut it? I am not saying ability-wise...

Will people, in our day and age, follow a woman in religious reformation and new revelance?It will be axiomatic when she reveals herself.

I postulate that all religion is at it's root, a form of Earth Goddess (Gaia) worship anyway -- Earth being feminine -- a benevolent nurturing repository for seed. Naturally a male would have an archetypal appreciation for this - and an ability to communicate that to other males. Of course strong lesbian-leaning women have made quite a mark on male dominated history.

Maybe the next Jesus will be a lesbian left-handed albino midget Eskimo...

She bit me once, you know. Right here, ya see this? Left a mark. She was
lowerin' a friend of mine's kid into the sewer, I run up, and tried to
stop her. I said, "Listen there, you lesbian midget left-handed albino!
And you stop right there!" Then she bit me. I'm afraid I'm gonna... I'm
gonna turn into a lesbian left-handed midget albino when the moon is
full.

Oh my God, the moon is full tonight! I can feel myself shrinking! I can
feel myself getting left-handed! I can feel myself getting the urge to
build an igloo! I can feel my skin turning white and my eyes getting
red! I can feel... I can feel the urge... to buy a Suzanne Vega album!!

NOOO! NNNNNOOOO!!!!
NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!


http://img339.imageshack.us/img339/1842/metaphyssz0.jpg

[ZippyTheChimp]

Seriously, do you think a female savior would cut it?Why not? A female already has me in hell.

[Just a joke, sweetie.]

[stache]

Boy, are you skirting with disaster! :eek::eek: :eek:

[ZippyTheChimp]

Unlike Pianoman (http://www.wirednewyork.com/forum/showthread.php?p=263946#post263946), you should be able to figure out what happened if I stop posting.

[ZippyTheChimp]

If Jesus joined Wired New York, what would his/her member status be?

[scumonkey]

Moderator ;)

[ZippyTheChimp]

I should've seen that one coming.

[stache]

Unlike Pianoman (http://www.wirednewyork.com/forum/showthread.php?p=263946#post263946), you should be able to figure out what happened if I stop posting.

'Chimp found floating in Hudson river'... ;)

[Ninjahedge]

What if Jesus was a cat lover?

[scumonkey]

Then we will know what to get her for her birthday
http://www.mcphee.com/pixlarge/11377.jpg

[Ninjahedge]

Cat litter? :confused:






;)

[stache]

A Punzie doll? :p

[Ninjahedge]

OH! BeHAVE!

[Alonzo-ny]

I get the God could be a woman thing but Jesus could hardly be.

[scumonkey]

Why not...
This women thinks she's a man! ;):D
http://therealsouthkorea.files.wordpress.com/2008/07/pregnant_man_thomas_beatie1.jpg

[lofter1]

ALERT:

Tune to Keith Olberman / MSNBC tonight at 8PM to see his extra-special guest, the hard-to-book Bearded Man from Bethlehem -- and the guy who created him.

Oh, wait ... would that mean the second guy is G*D :confused:

[Alonzo-ny]

I didnt need to see that :(

[Gregory Tenenbaum]

If Jesus came back he would probably have something to say about

The gap between rich and poor (thinking 3rd world countries)

The ongoing assault on human freedoms (thinking dictatorships, closed societies here)

And he would also probably have something to say about WWII and how it looks like some of us here have learned the lessons of the deprivation and general horror of war, but remind us all not to repeat it again anytime soon.

What else would he say?

[Jasonik]

http://graphics8.nytimes.com/images/2007/08/22/dining/22faith600.1.jpg (http://www.nytimes.com/2007/08/22/dining/22eco.html?ex=1345435200&en=db6c42ff64776253&ei=5088&partner=rssnyt&emc=rss)

Jesus would most definitely oppose this (http://www.lewrockwell.com/blog/lewrw/archives/024325.html). :mad:

This (http://www.lewrockwell.com/blog/lewrw/archives/024324.html) too. :mad:

http://www.purplemoon.com/Stickers/jesus-guitar.gif

[Ninjahedge]

He sure would!

Those co-ops are moving in on his fish and bread services.......

[Jasonik]

I think you missed the point...

[Ninjahedge]

I think you missed the point...

Nope, I got it, read the links, read the links IN the links, and even read the comments in the linked links.


I think you missed the point. ;)

[195Broadway]

http://graphics8.nytimes.com/images/2007/08/22/dining/22faith600.1.jpg (http://www.nytimes.com/2007/08/22/dining/22eco.html?ex=1345435200&en=db6c42ff64776253&ei=5088&partner=rssnyt&emc=rss)

Jesus would most definitely oppose this (http://www.lewrockwell.com/blog/lewrw/archives/024325.html). :mad:

This (http://www.lewrockwell.com/blog/lewrw/archives/024324.html) too. :mad:

http://www.purplemoon.com/Stickers/jesus-guitar.gif

Gov-ment or Jesus gone wild? or both?

[Ninjahedge]

Well, the first one is a classic standoff, and a possible suspicion of a city lawmaker thinking that food was not the only thing they were growing (not that that was what they wanted to shut down, per say, but that would have given them something solid to demonize them).

But the links are very one sided, and I can't say we are hearing all of it. I don't agree with how either handled it (SWAT or refusing a health inspector) but I was not there, so I do not know.


The second is another anal retentive individual making it so a child prodogy follows all the rules and regulations for child labor. A silly thing, all in all. Somehow being a child actor is OK, but god forbid the kid can play a lick of blues he should never be allowed to play where people would actually go to see him?




But both articles/links seem rather hateful and bitter. They are rather depressing and have no bite of sarcasm or irony to them. They make you feel bad when you read them, unlike most of the posts here which try to take humor (dark or light) and get a smirk or chuckle out of people.

We went from GOD creating the bearded pregnant "Man" to people being held at gunpoint due to a search and seisure.



I forgot to laugh.

That was a joke, right? ;)

[Jasonik]

So Jesus, if you're listening, the whole righteous indignation thing isn't a big hit. You need too keep it... what's the word I'm looking for?

LEO:
Gay? (http://www.lyricstime.com/the-producers-keep-it-gay-lyrics.html)
ROGER:
Exactly!
No matter what you do on the stage
Keep it light, keep it bright, keep it gay!
Whether it's murder, mayhem or rage
Don't complain, it's a pain
Keep it gay!
CARMEN:
People want laughter when they see a show
The last thing they're after's a litany of woe
ROGER & CARMEN:
A happy ending will pep up your play...
ROGER:
Oedipus won't bomb...
CARMEN:
If he winds up with Mom!
Keep it gay!
ROGER:
Keep it gay...
ROGER & CARMEN:
Keep it gay!

[Ninjahedge]

It's one thing to be indignant, it is another to start biatching about the depression at someone's wedding.


Actually, that is being pretty indignant too. :P


Point being, when a bunch of people are joking around, it is not exactly the best time to tell them your mother died.... ;)

[Ninjahedge]

PS, you forgot the Nazis.


You GOTTA have Nazis!

[Bronxbombers]

PS, you forgot the Nazis.


You GOTTA have Nazis!I don't want to hear about Nazis. I am mostly German Descent on my dad's side of the family and I also mostly German Descent on my mom's side of the family.

[Ninjahedge]

I don't want to hear about Nazis. I am mostly German Descent on my dad's side of the family and I also mostly German Descent on my mom's side of the family.


You missed the point ENTIRELY.

Google the lines from Jason's quote there.

Actually, let me help you out, look this up:

"The Producers".

Have fun!